growing pains
The feeling which is called pain is a natural response to the various challenges present in our world. This feeling can only be resolved with time. Time spent sitting and accepting it. Often time, which is spent doing things in spite of it. Time which is spent in acknowledgement of this simple parable: this too shall pass.
I believe there are healthy and unhealthy types of motivation.
A healthy motivation could be ambition, friendly competition, or out of a simple desire to have a generally better experience with life than one had yesterday. These motivations come from a sincere desire to improve oneself and/or those around them. These motivations are healthy because they do not involve ignoring, avoiding, or in other words running away from, a negative emotion.
If I were to, for example, become a novelist to help someone feel heard who might’ve been feeling lost, I’d be motivated in a healthy way. If I were to become a novelist because I felt that my self-worth relied on it and that I’d have no value otherwise, well, I’d be motivated by something unhealthy. I’d be attempting to avoid my feelings of worthlessness, through external action and recognition by others. When in reality, I would’ve needed to find love and acceptance of myself no matter how many or how few accomplishments I may have.
Adults sometimes teach children to be motivated by the wrong things. Guilt-tripping is a common tactic teachers and parents use to get their children to perform better academically. Rarely does this pan out the way that they intend but that’s not my point. Whether or not it gets results in the end is not important. What’s important is, if these children are getting results they’re getting them the wrong way.
By telling them that they will be failures, that they will be worthless, that they will be something deplorable and bad which is called lazy, if they do not get better grades, we are teaching them to avoid the pain of being labeled as any of those things. When in reality, all of these things are a matter of opinion. They are concepts which exist relative to the society from which they came. And no two people can agree entirely on what these qualities consist of, down to their specifics.
As you can probably tell, I have a problem with generalized statements that attempt to impose a label or definition onto a person. I do not believe it is possible to narrow down all that encompasses a person to such arbitrary designations. But you don’t have to agree with me to see why this is a problem. You can be perfectly fine with these framing devices and even find them useful. They are not useful in this context. Because defining children in this way, introducing them to the idea that they could be defined in this way, is only teaching them to avoid the pain of someone defining them in this way.
It is possible to teach a child the value and importance of their work without resorting to tactics which prey upon the child’s fear and burgeoning self-esteem. Lest they become adults all too interested in relishing in their supposed accomplishments while disparaging those which they do not view as accomplished as themselves.
This is a negative feedback loop. It does not just create fearful children, motivated by negative feelings, rather than positive aspirations. It creates judgmental adults unkind to themselves at best and unkind to others at worst.
Every child is brought into this world anew. With a few instincts but no real assumptions. Our formative years are called formative years because these first years of our lives determine how we are formed. Who we will become. It is crucial, then, to not instill the wrong habits in our children.
Rather than heaping praise on them for how compare to other pupils, or providing no feedback whatsoever in favor of scare tactics, a few simple words could be of great help. The words, “I love you.” The words, “you’ve improved so much.” The words, “I think you’re great just the way you are.” These words teach a child that love, admiration, and affection are not contingent on their external accomplishments. That love is not contingent on how they compare to others, or how they compare against an arbitrary label or concept. These words provide a lesson in love, which is far more vital for them to learn than whatever may have been lost in unfinished homework.
But what this approach does not teach them is just as important. It does not teach them to avoid pain. Especially not the pain of being other-ed.
Pain is an emotion like any other. Pain is a part of growing up like any other. When you come to accept it, you realize that the pain of being defined, of being other-ed, is nothing to experience pain over at all. That it’s just another thing. That none of this really matters at all.